Men, do you struggle with seeking approval from others, repressing your feelings, making your woman your emotional center, being manipulative, having difficulty setting boundaries, and having intimacy issues with your woman? Do you find yourself blaming others for the mistakes you have made or hiding your perceived flaws and mistakes to maintain a “perfect image?” If you struggle with this, you may have a common, yet frequently missed, issue called Nice Guy Syndrome.”
Some signs and symptoms of Nice Guy Syndrome include, but are not limited to, the following:
- Being a giver to make people love and appreciate them. They will often define their self-worth by other people’s opinions of them.
- Fix and caretake in a situation without being asked
- Seek approval from others. This is a universal trait that by seeking the approval or doing things to avoid disapproval from individuals, particularly women.
- Conflict avoidance behaviors.
- Making their woman their emotional partner. These men will report that they are only happy if their woman is happy.
If you find yourself having any of these symptoms above, you might want to consider treatment by reading “No More Mr. Nice Guy” by Dr. Robert Glover. The above statements are thoughts and interesting views from the book.
In all seriousness, this post will be a book review regarding how the “Nice Guy Syndrome” (NGS) impedes a man’s growth, inhibits proper relationship between him and his woman, and negatively impacts the home, thus eventually leading to a weak and powerless nation (where we are today in society). Before I move forward, I must provide a warning to readers that this is a secular book. However, there is much information and knowledge to glean from it and can be directly tied back to scripture. There are some things that I strongly disagree with (for example a brief discussion of homosexual marriages) that are in the book, but the overall theme of the book specifically addresses the male and female relationship. The author does repeatedly talk about how following his directions will give you better love and sex in life and while this is important in marriage, it is not the end goal. The end goal should be the overarching vision and mission that Yahweh has placed before the man: Dominion and Fruitfulness.
So, what exactly is wrong with being a nice guy? According to Dr. Glover, he brings some fascinating points that expose the dark side of being a nice guy. One point is that nice guys are fundamentally dishonest. He states, “These men hide their mistakes, avoid conflict, say what they think people want to hear, and repress their feelings.” Essentially, they consistently lie to themselves and to other people to maintain their appearance of being “selfless” when in fact they are being selfish.
Another example that Dr. Glover talks about is how nice guys are manipulative. This can be subtle manipulation (covert contracts) or obvious manipulation. Dr. Glover points out that nice guys have a difficult time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want concisely. Thus, they resort to manipulation to get their needs met. Dr. Glover has numerous other examples of the dark side of NGS. He discusses how nice guys have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde mentalities and can be a swinging pendulum at times.
Dr. Glover gives practical and very concise advice on how to help men work through the nice guy syndrome. He does not advocate for being an ass but rather becoming what he calls “integrated.” He states that an integrated male is a male that can accept all aspects of himself and is comfortable in his own skin while embracing his masculinity.
He also gives some excellent history and psychology behind how the Nice Guy Syndrome came into existence. He states that much of the Syndrome can be traced back to some form of abandonment and toxic shame and has been reinforced by our culture and societal history. This history, he contends, includes the sexual revolution, shifts in agrarian to industrial economy as well as the loss of fathers in the household and much of training and teaching in schools being done by women. Thus, many young boys don’t truly know how to even become a man because they are consistently surrounded by women.
Dr. Glover contends that many men with NGS “tend to be wimpy victims because their life paradigm and childhood survival mechanisms require them to sacrifice their personal power.” I found this statement to be very profound but also true because nice guys tend to use their perceptions to victimize themselves and create excuses for problems that they are 100% at fault for. Men can fix their own problems, but it’s easier to blame shift and avoid the confrontation than to own up to the mistakes and take steps to change.
Throughout the book, he gives “breaking free” exercises and asks excellent questions to help the man think and reflect if there are things that he could improve on or change. The exercises are there to help guide the man through the NGS recovery process. It is also encouraged to have the man’s woman read the book so she can support and encourage him through this process of walking in his masculinity as he steps up to be the head of the house.
For the readers, I highly recommend this book as it helps highlight how men have lost much of their masculinity and conditioned to become “nice guys.”
Bringing this back full circle in scripture, men are designed and meant to be dangerous and powerful, but it must be done in a righteous manner. Only the things that have the highest potential to do good can be twisted to perform in utter wickedness. Thus, righteous patriarchy and power can be wielded under men who are in Messiah and are in submission to Him, not the woman.
As previously stated in other articles, the man should have a mission and long-term vision and the woman must help support his mission and vision. If the man doesn’t have a mission or the woman has no interest in helping support a man who has a mission, neither should pursue a relationship.
To be blunt, nice guys are a danger and threat to scripture (and society) because they are unstable and cannot stick with solid difficult truths (e.g., plural marriage, patriarchy, Torah, etc.) and want to try and make everyone happy by “tickling their ears with pleasant truths” in addition to seeking validation for their perceived “truths” while lying and manipulating people to suppress the real truth. Yahweh has called men to be warriors, not wimpy pansies and pushovers or SJWs!
While this may be hard truth for various men, I would challenge you to read the book and look at scripture. Western culture and society have warped our lens of scripture by interpreting scripture through culture and not by understanding the culture that surrounds Torah. Become the man that scripture demands and that our society needs. This may incur some risks of ridicule and potential ostracization by friends and family. However, is it not more important to follow Yahweh in ALL His commands, statues, and ordinances than to kowtow to what society (and the adversary) demands?
I hope you enjoyed this overall review. I plan on writing some other book reviews soon with a post or two further expounding on some of the things written here.
Blessings and Shalom!