Ten days ago, I was hanging by a thread, between life and death. I had given the DNR instruction to my caretaker, my eldest son, and articulated my final instructions to him as my firstborn and the one who would over see my house. Blood oxygen hovered in the mid/low 80s and blood pressure was low. I had no fight left in me. We called for the elders, they anointed me with oil, prayed, and left me to the longest night, a night where I feared sleep due to my shallow breathing. I lay in the dark and came to a place of complete peace and reliance on my King. He could do what He will. I was ready.
Nearly a week prior, I had begun to feel ‘icky’ and was not tested for covid, but the symptoms were classic, and we treated it as such… C, D, Zinc, fluids, rest, etc. Each day feeling progressively worse, but trying to soldier on. Then pneumonia and the sudden collapse into a very dark place.
I did not realize it at the time, but it was a place of learning. And, humility.
Once in the midst of this dark place, I met my King. Over several days, the one night being the darkest, I spent hours napping, resting, and basking in the worship music of James Block and Fernado Ortega. And, in those hours, nothing mattered. Only worship. Only His glory. Only His will. Only His Kingdom.
Leading up to these days, I had been pondering David’s Mighty Men. I noted in 2 Samuel 24 that the fighting men of Israel were more than 1.1 million, yet only 30 men were worthy to be named David’s Mighty Men in the previous chapter. Their focus was not the men around them, only the face and will of their king, David. I am a warrior, I have long desired to stand in the company of such men in service to my King!
Early in my illness, a brother dropped by my office door and said, “I’m praying for you. May Yah teach you what ever the lesson is.” I remember thinking, ‘What the heck was that?”
Now, I know.
Just days later, laying in the dark place, I had nothing. I cared for nothing. Nothing mattered. Not family, not farm, not community, not ministry, not even life. Nothing mattered. I was DONE and in His Hands.
Only the King and His Kingdom. There is nothing else.
Wrapped in His Presence, listening to
and feeling the weight of Him, His glory, His worthiness, and my own worthlessness, I felt everything stripped away. It is all about HIM! There is nothing else. Nothing. Complete surrender.
Slowly, physical recovery began.
Now, as He is strengthening me and I am processing those days and the journey of surrender, I am seeing deeper. Crystalized in me is this clear understanding, a reality that transcends everything else: There is only the Kingdom and the King. EVERYTHING either point to or away from the Kingdom. Everything.
The desire to be counted among the Mighty Men is a good and worthy desire. They cared not what the men around them thought. Their eyes were on their king, they performed his bidding. Their honor was wrapped in and subsumed to his!
Yeshua has Mighty Men. Somewhere, in the back of the crowd, I hope to be found standing as one who cares not what others think, but solely focused on the will on my King. My life in His Hands. I do what He commands for HIS glory and HIS renown and HIS Kingdom. There is nothing else of value. Everything else fades away!
A couple days ago, as I was processing the things learned in the depths, a dear sister sent this video that confirmed aspects of what the Father was showing me. It is long, but worth every single second. Ponder, absorb, pray over, hear the message. Easily the most important message I’ve heard this year.
Still another lesson that deserves its own post, is that I thanked the Father for Fauci, for covid, even for the evil being perpetrated on the planet. GOD RAISED HIM/THEM UP FOR HIS OWN PURPOSES. “I raised up the Chaldeans…” GOD is the orchestrating and controlling authority. He is using this for His purposes, whatever they may be. We can be thankful and praise Him even as we pray for Him to be merciful and turn the hearts of the pharaohs.
Today, as I wend back to David and his Mighty Men, I found a most amazing prayer. He says exactly what I have been learning. “There is only HIM and HIS Kingdom. Nothing else matters.”
10 So David blessed the Lord in the sight of all the assembly; and David said, “Blessed are You, O Lord God of Israel our father, forever and ever. 11 Yours, O Lord, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the victory and the majesty, indeed everything that is in the heavens and the earth; Yours is the dominion, O Lord, and You exalt Yourself as head over all. 12 Both riches and honor come from You, and You rule over all, and in Your hand is power and might; and it lies in Your hand to make great and to strengthen everyone. 13 Now therefore, our God, we thank You, and praise Your glorious name.
14 “But who am I and who are my people that we should be able to offer as generously as this? For all things come from You, and from Your hand we have given You. 15 For we are sojourners before You, and tenants, as all our fathers were; our days on the earth are like a shadow, and there is no hope. 16 O Lord our God, all this abundance that we have provided to build You a house for Your holy name, it is from Your hand, and all is Yours. 17 Since I know, O my God, that You try the heart and delight in uprightness, I, in the integrity of my heart, have willingly offered all these things; so now with joy I have seen Your people, who are present here, make their offerings willingly to You. 18 O Lord, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Israel, our fathers, preserve this forever in the intentions of the heart of Your people, and direct their heart to You; 19 and give to my son Solomon a perfect heart to keep Your commandments, Your testimonies and Your statutes, and to do them all, and to build the temple, for which I have made provision.”
20 Then David said to all the assembly, “Now bless the Lord your God.” And all the assembly blessed the Lord, the God of their fathers, and bowed low and did homage to the Lord and to the king.1 Chronicles 29:10-20
I could highlight the whole thing as every line is so critical, but the opening paragraph, coming from the greatest king of Israel, father of the everlasting Throne and lineage, and he says, ‘It’s all about YOU!’ to the Elohim of Israel, our father.
To be clear, I’m restored in my focus and sharpness for family, farm, community, and ministry. But, the reason for everything must point TO the Kingdom. Every aspect of life, from brushing my teeth to teaching patriarchy, from planting seeds to encouraging men, everything must have as its underlying focus the building of the Kingdom. The restoration of the King. My life has no value apart from that.
There is only worship. There is ONLY HIM!
There is nothing else.